From an outsider’s perspective, Annette’s* childhood seemed ideal. She was a good student living in a beautiful home in an upper-class suburban neighborhood. Behind the illusion, Annette was burdened with a dark secret for five long years. It began when her mother was in the hospital giving birth to Annette’s brother; that was when her stepfather first molested her. Annette was only 10 years old and she didn’t know what to do. “I felt that no one would believe me because they knew I didn’t like him from the get-go, so I felt that they thought I would make that up and the other reason is that I thought my mother would be hurt.” During those years she managed to get out of the home as much as possible, retreating to her grandmother’s house on the weekends to escape her alcoholic stepfather.

        Finally, when Annette was 15, she couldn’t take it anymore and she ran away from home. When the police picked her up, they asked her what was going on. “I blurted it out. Right then and there I was ordered to live with my grandmother, which was what I had wanted all along, but I didn’t want to go through what I went through to get it.” Annette’s mother didn’t want her to testify at a trial so no charges were brought. Her stepfather continued to drink and abuse Annette’s mother until eventually their marriage ended in divorce. Looking back, Annette wishes there had been a trial. “I felt like he got away with a crime. I would have liked him to have some punishment.”

        Although it was safe at her grandmother’s house, she was so demoralized that she developed anorexia. Relief finally came in the form of a caring therapist who allowed her to recognize the truth, that she was and is “an important, valuable person to this world.” “She made me realize that I was punishing myself, making myself ugly so that I wouldn’t be attractive to other people…Eventually I learned to be a valuable adult, put the past behind me and move forward.”

        Annette moved out of her grandmother’s house when she was 25 and then at 30, she met Frank. After seven years of dating, he and Annette had a daughter, Lauren. “He said that if anyone ever did to Lauren what had been done to me, he would kill them. That part of me loved him.” But at the time, Frank, like her stepfather, drank excessively and physically abused Annette. Her love for Lauren made her realize that she could not put up with Frank’s behavior. For the second time in her life, Annette left an abusive, alcoholic man. She realized she would have to raise Lauren as a single mother. It would take years of court battles over child support payments before Frank would recognize that Annette was a good mother who needed his support in order to care for their daughter. Eventually Frank stopped drinking and he and Annette became friends again. Not long after, he died of bladder cancer.

        As Lauren grew, Annette became concerned over her daughter’s increasingly aggressive behavior. At one point, when Lauren was eight, she locked Annette in the bathroom using a pen to jam the lock. Annette knew that Lauren was out of control and arranged for therapy, but the behavior continued. At this time Lauren’s anorexia really began to take root. This was an extremely painful situation for Annette since she had once dealt with the disease herself. At age thirteen, Lauren was admitted to Children’s Hospital at an unhealthy weight with an irregular heartbeat, both tell-tale signs of advanced anorexia. Even though she was receiving extensive treatment, Lauren continued to be physically abusive towards her mother. That was when Annette reached out to Parents Helping Parents (PHP) and joined a parent support group. “In the beginning all I did was cry, so I have a lot of empathy for people going through similar situations…What I liked about Parents Helping Parents that I could go there and not be criticized or judged. I would get a lot of negative criticism from my family, but at PHP I found a place where I could just talk and people would really listen to me.”

        •••I would get a lot of negative criticism from my family, but at PHPI found a place where I could just talk and people would really listen to me.”

        The culmination of Lauren’s conduct occurred one summer when she refused to go to her MCAS training. She stood in front of Annette's car refusing to move. Then Lauren ran away. Annette did not want to get the courts involved, but she had run out of options. She filed for a CHINS petition and asked for services from the Department of Social Services. One day, things took an even bigger turn for the worse when Lauren became angry and held Annette down in a chair. As Annette struggled, she accidentally scratched Lauren with her fingernail. Then Lauren ran away from home once again and Annette filed a missing person report. The police found Lauren, saw the fingernail scratch and reported the incident to D.S.S. This painful misunderstanding led to Annette losing custody of her child for eight months. Looking back on it, she sees this as the lowest point in her life.

        Annette eventually persuaded D.S.S. that it was Annette, and not her daughter, who was being abused. Years later, she has learned to let go of the anger she once had towards D.S.S. and towards the police department. Part of the healing process for Annette was developing a more positive relationship with DSS. She has visited DSS offices to tell staff about PHP groups and how they work. Annette also had the opportunity to tell her story to the new D.S.S. Commissioner, Angelo McClain, during a recent meeting at the PHP office. She was able to speak calmly to him about the worst time in her life and to offer constructive suggestions for ways that D.S.S. might be more helpful to parents.

        Today Lauren is 18 years old and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Annette, as a knowing mother, had suspected this diagnosis all along. Since Lauren refuses to take her prescribed medicine, her behavior is still out of control and abusive. Annette loves her daughter very much, but she knows that she has to protect herself. “I don’t deserve the abuse. No one deserves it…I just try to take care of myself. I’ve learned that if I don’t take care of myself, then I can’t take care of her.”

        Despite everything, Annette is proud of Lauren for graduating high school and being accepted into college. She continues to do everything she can to support her daughter, but it is a constant struggle. Luckily, Annette has an indomitable inner strength and a strong support network of friends to help her through the tough times. After everything that she has been through in her life, she can still pick herself up and move on with a smile on her face, knowing that she is a good person and a good mother. She still attends a PHP support group where she has become the Parent Leader. Two years ago, Annette was elected to PHP’s board of directors. “I feel like what I’ve learned and gotten out of the group, I can also extend to other group members in dealing with their own troubled children. And of course I’m doing what I can to make PHP an even stronger organization.”

*Because of the confidential nature of the Parents Helping Parents program, names and some identifying details have been changed.