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Raising a Child with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Ode to Doug* at Bedtime

I love to hear the
QUIETNESS in you.

You who are usually
in motion.

You who are accustom
to creating a commotion.

I love to hear the
QUIETNESS in you.

You, my soul son,
I love to hear the
QUIETNESS in you.

Mom

        I wrote this poem in 1999 after our son was sound asleep for the night. At the time he was 12 years old. He is now 20 and it is still applicable. The pivotal word in the poem is quietness. What is not included in the poem is that every night Doug would twist and turn in bed so much that the bed sheets would pull themselves off by morning. When he was little I would dutifully remake the bed because his attention span wasn’t long enough for that chore, even at 12. Yes, even now at 20 he still doesn’t make his bed. At first we modified his bed sheet to one fitted, bottom sheet but that would pull off too. Now he sleeps in a sleeping bag on the bare mattress. That works for everyone concerned. It means I don’t have to prompt, remind, cajole, or hound him, puts me under less stress, and means he experiences less negativity. I have learned it’s just one of many compromises you make when you live with a child who has ADHD. Symptoms of ADHD vary from child to child and may look different each day, but our son was in motion even when he slept. Doug made a further modification to his bedtime routine when he went away to college. He now sleeps in the clothes he wears to his first class. Does it bother me? Of course it does! But as the parent of a son with ADHD (males with ADHD outnumber females), I have learned to choose my battles. It didn’t surprise me when I learned, long after Doug’s childhood, that parents of children with ADHD report higher levels of chronic stress than 83% of other parents.

        Children with ADHD are six times more likely to have another disorder. Doug’s was Oppositional Defiant Disorder. We read every child rearing book exploring what adhd is and tried all kinds of discipline tactics for a defiant child including: behavior modification techniques, incorporated a dog as a family pet and companion when peers refused to come over for play dates (ADHD children aren’t good at reading social cues), went to family therapy, suffered being ostracized by other families who saw our son as a reflection of us and worked endlessly advocating for him with teachers. It didn’t even matter to Doug when he was asked to leave a so called “therapeutic play group”. He just didn’t get it!

        Despite the fact he is very smart, school was a struggle that took a toll on Doug’s self-esteem. For children with ADHD: 56% need academic tutors, 30% repeat a grade, and 35% are placed in some form of special education. The most common accommodation for children with ADHD is extended time for test taking because people with ADHD tend to assimilate facts more slowly due to a chemical imbalance in their brains. Specific ADHD Medications helped Doug’s attention span, but he is dyslexic and it takes him longer to read written words. We have used all of the above mentioned academic aides and been grateful for their availability.

        Lest you think this story means our son is still a social outcast and not able to function in the real world I have good news. We discovered that he, like many ADHD children, is able to “hyperfocus” and “lock in” on selected tasks. He excels at art, figure drawing to be specific, cross country and track. He is a valued member of his college running team, despite the fact he frequently misplaces his track shoes, and at 20 years of age his peers tolerate his disorganization and recognize his good sense of humor and off beat charisma which enlivens their social circle. As his parents we have learned that although Doug doesn’t plan ahead and organize his daily routine like we do (ADHD children and adults lack executive function in their brains) he gets things done in his own way which tends to be last minute, ill timed, highly creative and intense. As one of his coaches said, “Doug learns from negative experiences.” We now know we can’t rescue him and feel freer to let him learn on his own. Life is never dull when Doug is around. He has a presence and the minute he walks in the door you know he is there. He took himself off medication in college and uses daily runs to calm and center himself. But, he just checked his grades for first semester Sophomore year and he continues to be solidly and consistently above average in all subjects. For Doug and for us that is a major accomplishment! One worth all the concessions we have made for him. The only time he is quiet is when he is asleep and I still appreciate the peacefulness of those moments.

        Note: The facts reported in this article are taken from: Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults by Thomas Brown, Ph. D. 2003

*Some names and details were changed to protect anonymity

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