Parents Helping Parents - The Roundtable of Support, Inc. - Parent Stories
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PARENT STORIES

Mary Ann's Story
Joanne's Story
Faye's Story
Janine's Story
Sally's Story
Ron and Karen's Story
Sandy and Nathan's Story
Nancy's Story

Mary Ann's Story   

"My son calls my PHP group 'People Helping People.' We don't always have to have a psychologist or therapist to put things in perspective, we just need other human beings who have been there."

Mary Ann grew up in Dorchester, the eleventh child in a large, tight-knit Italian family. Her mother, a shepherd girl in Italy, had never gone to church or school; her father left school after the third grade and worked as a laborer. Mary Ann was cared for by her older brothers and sisters and ingrained with the work ethic and morals of the older generation. "I still feel like the baby. I'm fifty-eight, but I still think of myself as very young and inexperienced. I want to do my best, but I'm extremely indecisive and always worrying and frightened that I'll make a mistake."

After high school, Mary Ann joined a religious order but never felt it was quite right for her. Her family supported her decision to leave the order so Mary Ann moved back to Dorchester. She obtained a job as a clerk in a large law firm, receiving extensive training and experience in electronic word processing. As luck would have it, Mary Ann found her niche in this field and remained with the firm for thirteen years.

Mary Ann assumed she would remain single, faithful to her family caregiving responsibilities. However, when she was introduced to Michael by an old high school friend, they hit it off. "He met my three criteria - he was Catholic, had nothing to do with alcoholism, and he wanted to have children." But becoming parents was not easy for Mary Ann and Michael. Fertility was a problem, and some adoption agencies would not accept them because of their age. Finally, Catholic Charities presented them with a two-month-old boy, Joseph. Mary Ann immediately left her job and enjoyed Joseph's infancy and toddler years to the fullest: "He was a good eater and sleeper. He was active, charming and - of course - brilliant."

It was not until Joseph was in fourth grade that problems arose. He had difficulty socializing with the other children and didn't know how to stay out of the way of the bullies. By this time, Mary Ann had gone back to work as a teacher's aide at the same school, and if she tried to step in - speaking to the bullies on the playground, for example - they always seemed to take it out on Joseph later on. If he tried to fight back, he'd get in trouble with the teachers.

While all this was going on with Joseph, many of Mary Ann's elderly relatives also needed her care. It was a time of great stress. "I was very tired at the end of the day, and frustrated with Joseph's problems. He'd start crying and I'd yell. I'd blame him. I'd blame myself. Every time he'd open his mouth, I'd pounce on him." Mary Ann saw a tiny ad for PHP and started attending group meetings. At first, she was the only member of the group. Roberta, the facilitator, just listened. "Roberta had been through so much herself - I knew she understood what I was going through."

Soon other members joined the group and helped Mary Ann put her problems in perspective and realize how much she had been over-reacting. "For example, all of a sudden Joseph wanted to save up and get a motorcycle and I was frantic - 'That's ridiculous! That's dangerous!' Roberta and the group helped me see that this was a non-issue - what was Joseph - an eleven year old - going to do? What was I worrying about?" The group also helped Mary Ann to see how some simple changes in her life could help. She soon stopped working at Joseph's school and rearranged her schedule so that both Joseph and she had a cooling down period at the end of the day.

"My problems had taken on a life of their own. I used to beat myself up - why did I have such problems when I only had one child? But when I expressed them to others in the group, it was already a load off my shoulders. I realized I had lots of worries because of my extended family, and I had to stop judging myself so harshly."

"When I stopped judging myself, I stopped judging others. Every family has its own values. Every person does something that's worthy of encouragement. My experiences, for example, helped a man in the group who expected his five year old to act like a ten year old. I'm often able to help others in the group, now, but I also know that they'll want me to talk honestly about what's going on with me. I don't want to be a hypocrite. We need the framework of the group, we need Roberta to be our facilitator. But mostly we need each other, listening and encouraging. We just need other human beings who have been there, to help us look forward with a positive spirit."

In closing, Mary Ann asked to share a favorite quotation with PHP: "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength."
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Joanne's Story

Joanne grew up in a strict Irish Catholic family, the second of four children and the oldest girl. Her father, a police officer, was usually away at work or out drinking, and her mother was the negative, critical force to be reckoned with at home. Joanne and her siblings never questioned their parents' authority or stepped out of line and Joanne, as the oldest girl, resented the fact that she was the one who always had to take care of the house, do the laundry, and look after the younger kids. But this was the way it was, not only in Joanne's house, but up and down the street and Joanne didn't see anything unusual about the circumstances of her growing up.

In high school, Joanne began to rebel and turned into an unhappy, angry teenager who tried to stay out of the house as much as possible. At the same time, she kept on looking and hoping for approval from her mother and father and never felt she was good enough.

This tension between wanting to show that she could manage on her own, without help, while at the same time yearning for approval, continued after high school. "I went straight to work and was determined, no matter what, that I wouldn't ask my parents for help. It would have been nice to hear, just once, 'look at Joanne, she's so organized,' but they'd always be critical and nit-pick and I'd feel guilty as usual. But then, what did I do? I chose a hobby - cars and mechanical things - that I loved but knew was unacceptable to my mother!"

Joanne found a clerical job at a large bank, continued to live at home, and worked her way steadily up in the firm. She had several boyfriends, some nice and some "turbulent." "I never really liked the nice ones, the ones who never got in trouble, the ones who didn't appreciate the drama in life."

She had common interests with the man who became her first husband, but the marriage only lasted a year. The young couple moved to the Cape. Joanne couldn't find a job and they were isolated and miserable. Ending the marriage was a mutual decision and Joanne moved back home. "Telling my mother was the hardest part - I knew she thought people wouldn't approve of a divorce, I knew she'd have a fit - and she did. I vowed I wouldn't show that I was upset at her reaction."

Joanne was always a very reliable worker and soon found a new job. She also met a man who, like herself, was recently divorced after a short marriage and they hit it off. Joanne and Mike were both very practical about everything they did, and, best of all, Mike had a very positive attitude about life and about other people.

They both wanted children and started a family right away. After her daughter Loren was born, Joanne discovered a wonderful new friend and ally - her father-in-law. "Mike's father came everyday to help me take care of the baby. He never interfered, he never judged, he never criticized me - in short, he was wonderful." Less than a year after baby Loren was born, Joanne learned she was pregnant again. Shortly after, Mike's father became seriously ill with cancer and died within a few months.

The family was in crisis. Joanne's second pregnancy was an ordeal. Everyone was grieving for Mike's father. Mike, a plumber, was always away, either at work or helping his own mother cope. Joanne's mother helped out as a baby-sitter, but continued to be critical of Joanne's parenting style. Baby Katie was born with a reflux condition, had trouble feeding and was very slow to gain weight. Joanne developed physical problems related to her delivery. "Of course, I didn't tell anyone that I needed help!"

Joanne found out about Parents Helping Parents from a listing in the back of a handout she received from Blue Cross/Blue Shield when Katie was born. She called the toll-free number twice before she got up the courage to attend a meeting. "The big problem was getting a babysitter because I couldn't tell my mother where I was going. I knew she'd be critical, I knew she'd think I was somehow humiliating or disgracing the family. I didn't want to tell my husband either. The first few meetings I told him I was going shopping. For me, there really was a stigma involved in admitting I was going for help."

The Parents Helping Parents group that Joanne attended was in the start-up stages. Often, it was just Joanne and the facilitator at the meetings. That was fine with Joanne, however, who was grateful that she wouldn't run into anyone she knew. "I just needed to find someone who would understand what I was drowning from." Jenny, the facilitator, put a name to Joanne's problem. "She said that maybe I was a little depressed. She said I needed to take care of myself and that I wasn't a completely stupid person. Once I could talk about it and let my screwy sense of humor come back out, I began to snap out of it." Joanne had never talked so openly about herself in her life. And the group had another very practical suggestion that Joanne put right to use - to get early intervention services for the baby. She'd never known such a resource was available.

Today, the group is much larger. Many members have been referred by the Department of Social Services. Joanne has become the group's parent leader, and is trying to help the newer members see that there are things they can do to help themselves and not just react to DSS' pressure. At the same time, Joanne is getting set to face a new challenge of her own - caring, full-time, for her brother's two children, aged three and eight. Their mother moved with her boyfriend to another state and Joanne's brother has a full-time job as a trucker. "I thought of the kids and I thought of my brother and I just didn't want to let them down." Thanks to her group, Joanne has had confirmation that she is a strong, independent woman. She has also learned that even the strongest woman can ask for help.
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Faye's Story

"Shy" is the word that comes up most when Faye describes her childhood and early teen years. Faye and her younger brother were raised by their mother on the north side of Brockton, a black family in a white neighborhood. Faye's mother was protective, but also critical. "I always felt there was something wrong with me. I didn't have any talents, I wasn't pretty. I was so shy and self-conscious." In order to find a group of kids she felt she belonged to, twelve-year-old Faye started smoking cigarettes and marijuana and drinking beer. She got even more attention when she hung out with her cousins in Boston. "I was always trying to follow in someone else's footsteps, never being myself, and I came across as if I had a chip on my shoulder. But I knew deep down my heart was good."

Her family moved to Washington, D.C. when she was seventeen and Faye experienced the big city as unfriendly and cold. "I was still very shy. I talked very quietly and mumbled all the time because I didn't think people really wanted to hear what I had to say." Faye dropped out of school, became a cocktail waitress, and attracted a long list of boyfriends. She enjoyed the attention-but had no idea how to handle it. "God was with me and I came out of that experience safely. They say God takes care of babies and fools-well, he does. He took care of me!"

After a "wild" period in the Job Corps in West Virginia, Faye returned to Washington, earned her GED (with a grade that was the second highest in the class) and became pregnant. Her relationship with her daughter's father did not survive the pregnancy, in part because Faye felt angry and independent. "I wasn't going to make this guy do anything he didn't want to do."

Faye and her baby daughter, Naté, lived together in Washington where they "loved each other to death." "She loved me through anything, she trusted me, she was my teddy bear." Faye worked regular hours as a waitress, earned good money, found a reliable baby sitter, and paid her bills responsibly-but once again ran into problems with men and with drugs.

Although Faye had not wanted Naté to spend time with her family- "I didn't want them spooking her attitude toward me"-she finally sent Naté home to be cared for by her mother in Brockton. Faye's drug usage and search for a long-term, loving relationship with a man continued. "I knew I was too strung out to take her and she was better off away from me. But I didn't realize the pain I was causing her. By the time she was a teenager she felt I was choosing drugs over her and didn't want anything to do with me."

Faye tried various substance abuse programs over the years, but didn't do well when she had to live with other people-all her old insecurities returned. Eventually she was referred to The New Bedford Prevention Partnership. Faye finally had found a place

It was after Faye was well into her recovery that she joined Parents Helping Parents. She wanted to see if there was anything she could do to bridge the gulf that had opened between herself and Naté. Faye is very pleased with Naté's growth; she's not as much of a follower and not as insecure as Faye herself was at nineteen. Naté "makes good decisions, she has been in the same relationship with a great guy for three years-and he treats her so good. It takes the pressure off my guilt."

This pleasure in Naté's development did very little to ease Faye's distress, however, when Naté moved in for a few weeks and then moved out again. And Naté would never return Faye's phone calls. With PHP's support, Faye didn't allow herself to get discouraged. She reminded herself how well her daughter was doing-and she didn't give up. Recently, Naté called-twice in one week!-and Faye starred the week in her calendar.

Even more important than Faye's new, tentative bond with Naté, however, is the self-acceptance and respect she is experiencing thanks to the support of her recovery community and PHP. "It's so nice to know they miss me when I'm not there. I get lots of positive feedback, and my experiences are helpful to all the parents of younger children." And Faye has found a place where she can take her turn in exercising her leadership skills. Each week one of the members is the group's time-keeper. And every few weeks, a member nominates himself or herself and is voted in as parent leader. These two parents really run the group. As Faye describes it, the group's facilitator, Bobby Roderiques, provides quiet encouragement, talks about his family-just like anyone else-and makes sure no one puts another member down. "Many of our group's members are involved with DSS. We listen to people, maybe give them a little extra time, but then the timekeeper moves us on. When you come right down to it, no one's problems are more serious than anyone else's. And we don't give advice, not without asking first, 'would you like feedback?'"

In Faye's case, she was able to provide a trusting and loving relationship for her daughter when Naté was very young. This early nurturing, together with the care provided by others, Naté's own resilience, and Faye's example of never giving up, may be enough to break the cycle of emotional deprivation in Faye's family. Faye herself is finally learning self-acceptance thanks to the quiet and respectful acceptance she has found in PHP.
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Janine's Story

Janine was a homebody all through her childhood and beyond. The baby of a family of three children, Janine grew up on a farm in western Massachusetts. Her mother was the center of her life. Abused by her husband, Janine's mother accepted her broken nose and broken jaw as her lot in life. After her father died, Janine and her family were supported by AFDC.

Janine hated school, but stuck it out through the 10th grade. After that, she worked in a succession of factories and nursing homes, but never moved away from home. She felt sorry for her mother and never felt free to develop her own friendships. Janine finally decided to pursue her GED and started going to night school. One of her classmates had a son, Edward, whom she began dating and eventually married.

At first Janine loved being married - she finally had someone she could call her own. Soon, she was thrilled again with her first pregnancy. She was so excited she started wearing maternity clothes when she was six weeks along and began buying baby clothes right away. Three babies were born in quick succession and Janine found herself overwhelmed with their care - and furious at her husband.

Edward had worked at a cemetery, but after he injured his back he turned to casual work and soon the family relied on disability and AFDC for their support. "Even though he was at home all day, I was a single mom. He'd stay in bed till noon, watch TV all day, throw his clothes on the floor and eat the food I'd saved for the kids."

Following an ultimatum from Janine, Edward walked out of the house, completely abdicating any responsibility. Janine's ability to hold her family's world together collapsed. In the middle of a nervous breakdown, she called a crisis hotline for help with her children. DSS intervened and placed her children in foster care.

Her son's placement was uneventful, but her daughters, aged four and six, were placed with foster parents who could not have children of their own and who wanted to adopt the two girls. They began to make false accusations about Janine, that she would drink and stalk the foster home. The goal of the service plan changed back and forth - reunification, adoption, reunification and back to adoption. During this period, the foster mother had repeated hospitalizations for mental problems and, as it later turned out, seven supported incidents of child abuse against Janine's daughters.

During this period, Janine did everything she could to address DSS' concerns, even moving forty-five miles away from the foster home so that she could not be accused of harassing her daughters. And then she was faced with another blow - her husband was suspected of having sexually abused the children. Janine had to swear on a Bible that she would not go back to him.

Thanks to a miracle $.25 bet on a slot machine, Janine won $2,500 and was able to hire her own attorney. First, the children were removed to another foster home and then the goal was once again changed to reunification.

One of the many things DSS insisted on was that Janine join a parenting group. Even though she was getting really tired of being told "go there; do that" she went to the Greenfield PHP group - "as scared as hell." As the weeks went by, it became easier to talk, even about the very tough stuff: the suspected sexual abuse, a three-months drinking binge, and the feelings of just wanting to give up and let the children go. Not everyone in the group was involved with DSS, but those that were gave Janine some concrete help. All this time when her kids were in foster care, no one in her family said, "Can we help you?" "The group became my family and kept me going, week to week."

Ultimately, Janine got sole custody of her children and they returned home. It's been scary but wonderful, too. The kids are in therapy and they still need to be reassured that "Mom's coming back" when she goes out for a few hours. Now they go to the children's program connected with the PHP group and have children with similar problems that they can play with.
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Sally's Story

Sally is a smiling, bright-eyed, dark-haired woman, ready and eager to talk about herself, her family and her seven years as a member of a Boston-area Parents Helping Parents group. Sally is the only daughter and youngest child in her family. Following in her mother's footsteps, she became a caretaker and absorber of family pressures. When Sally made her first call for help, she was married, trying to raise four difficult children, grieving over the recent death of her mother, and feeling totally alone and overwhelmed. Her husband, who was struggling with his own anger and depression, was unable to help her. Her oldest daughter had just been diagnosed with ADD, and was strong-willed and relentless in her demands. Her older son expressed his anger by throwing frequent tantrums. The only way Sally knew of stopping them was by slapping. During the last year of her mother's life, Sally was either visiting her in the hospital or caring for her at home. To make matters worse, her husband's anger was so great that Sally was afraid to leave her children alone with him and felt the need to take them with her wherever she went. Then her mother died and her only source of emotional support vanished. One day, in desperation, she called Parents Helping Parents.

Her first call helped her through a crisis and her second put her in touch with the local group facilitator. The facilitator met with her and warmly encouraged Sally to attend meetings. "I shook all through that first meeting," Sally remembers. "I'd never been a part of a group before and I did way too much talking. It was mpossible to stop the voices in my head that just had to come out." The group challenged her, demanding that she question her actions and methods. At first Sally was hurt, angry and defensive, but slowly she began to realize that the group was right. "In the past, I would quit things out of fear and never face them and see them through." Somehow, this time, Sally found the courage to keep returning to meetings.

The group was different from what Sally had expected. She came looking for parenting instructions, like what to do when a child won't go to bed. But instead, "I had an opportunity to find myself, to learn about where I came from and what I felt. Most important, I found understanding and support." There was a common thread in the group. Everyone's children had some sort of problems - ADD, post traumatic stress disorder or emotional issues. Sally began to realize that she wasn't a bad parent, just one in a challenging situation. "Any parent would have trouble with this situation." As Sally was able to express her frustrations in the group, the hitting stopped and the screaming and yelling slowly ceased. She learned techniques such as "One...Two...Three...Magic" that helped with discipline.

Sally feels she has changed drastically since joining her Parents Helping Parents group. She rarely loses her temper now, though her children can still drive her crazy. She feels stronger and has been able to confront her husband. They are now in counseling and her husband is taking anti-depressant medication which helps him deal with his frustrations and anger. Sally's hopes are mostly for her children - that they will be able to overcome their problems, do well in school, and eventually have happy lives. Her personal hopes involve having time to help others outside her family. Sally has great empathy for young mothers and would like to be able to help them become better parents. For Sally, parenting is the hardest job anyone will ever have. She's passionate when she talks about how you need to keep going no matter what; that your children need you to do the best you can. She also works at remaining positive: "You have a choice: stay negative and life is negative; look for the positive and life looks brighter. Flowers grow better turned toward the light."
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Ron and Karen's Story

Being parents wasn't easy for Karen and Ron. They both used yelling and hitting as a form of discipline. If their son would do something like banging on the TV with a toy, Ron would hit or yell at him. For Karen it was hard in the beginning because she was so young, but she tried to do the best she could. Every time the kids would cry she would jump up to take care of them. "I didn't want to be like my mother, beating the kids, leaving them in the crib all day, not feeding or bathing them. I got a lot of moral support from my family. They would help by showing me how to do things like bathe the children." Karen remembers having problems dealing with the children's behavior. "I used to yell at them for every little thing."

Ron's childhood was very different from how he's trying to raise his children today. "When I was a child, if something went wrong, my sister and I were never put into time out. We would just get hit with a belt, our father's hand, or whatever." Ron's father used to criticize him, causing him to have low self esteem. Although his father was verbally and physically abusive, Ron feels that some of the things his father did were good because they kept him out of trouble. "My father made my sister and me attend church all the time. I liked going to church if only to get away from the house."

Karen's mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic. "DSS took me away from my mother when I was three years old and I can't remember much of what happened before that. I just go by what my older sister tells me." All she can remember is being beaten and left alone in her crib all day.

Though Karen and Ron both wanted to do better than their own parents, they didn't know how. Finally, things got so bad that Ron and Karen's three children were removed from their home. They learned about Parents Helping Parents when their DSS caseworker suggested that they attend a parenting support group.

The first meeting wasn't easy. Ron didn't want to go. "Who do these people think they are, telling me I don't know how to parent?" He didn't want to talk to anyone. Karen was afraid to share her story because of what other people would think. She was ashamed and embarrassed. The group leader helped by letting them know that everything is confidential and that no one puts anyone down. For a long time Karen used to think that it was her fault that the children were taken away from them. "After attending a few meetings we both opened up. It brought out lots of feelings about the kids that we had never expressed. We even shared some tears."

Ron and Karen both feel that their parenting has changed. "We are giving each other more support with parenting and other stressful situations like housing and finance problems. What we learned from Parents Helping Parents, our group facilitators, and the other Parents Helping Parents members has been a different way to discipline our children." Ron has learned to share his emotions. "I never talked about my personal life; I felt it wasn't anyone's business."

Ron and Karen both feel that PHP helped them get their children back after six months in foster care. Even after their children came home, Ron and Karen continued to attending their PHP group, getting support for their family and giving support to others.
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Sandy and Nathan's Story

Sandy and Nathan met out in Arizona where they were both working at the local gas station/convenience store. Nathan was from Springfield, and was attending motorcycle school out there. Sandy was trying to come off of drugs and alcohol and was working toward being reunited with her two children who were in foster care. Sandy knew her only chance of getting her kids back and to "get clean and stay clean" was to leave the environment and the people which fostered this life style. She left Arizona and came to Massachusetts with Nathan.

In Massachusetts, Sandy looked up Parents Helping Parents at the suggestion of her case worker in Arizona. She joined the group. At first she was very angry and she used group time to vent her anger. But she soon turned her new situation into a positive step toward reunification with her children. She used the group as a referral source for finding more support services in the area. In the group she found friends who would listen and not judge her for her past. She also found a sense of connection to the Springfield community and people to lean on who could relate to how she was feeling. She received education from other parent members who would offer her advice from their own experiences. She discovered admirable qualities about herself that she never realized. She became reunited with her estranged family in Texas who also rallied around her in support. She was also quickly accepted by Nathan's large and widespread family support system. Sandy began to open doors to the people that she had previously shut out of her life. There were weeks when Nathan would join Sandy in group, Nathan's sister and mother also came from time to time to help support Sandy in her efforts. To help himself and Sandy, Nathan joined a father's group sponsored by the MSPCC.

Eventually, Nathan and Sandy were married. Sandy continued working with the State of Arizona to be reunited with her children. Many Springfield-based human service agencies and counselors who worked with Sandy sent letters on her behalf to the State of Arizona. Sandy put a lot of effort into turning her life around. She has made great progress in a short time and she continues to work on building a better life for herself and her family.
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Nancy's Story

Nancy had been in counseling for awhile but nothing seemed to be changing. She was still having control problems with her children. When she got frustrated, she found herself yelling, screaming, and hitting and nothing seemed to help. Her counselor gave her PHP's number and suggested that she call the next time she was in a crisis.

Nancy soon called PHP. The telephone counselor listened and talked with Nancy until she was able to calm down. "That really helped," says Nancy, "that experience of talking to someone else who really seemed to understand made me realize that talking with other parents could work for me."

Nancy attended a PHP group for many years. She feels that the nurturing the facilitator gave to the group was the key to the group's success. "She was like the mother who wasn't around for a lot of us when we were kids," Nancy say, "She gave us confidence that there were ways we could help ourselves, and if we depended on each other and supported each other we'd make it. Hugs were a really big part of the group… That's what moms should do… but a lot of us missed out on that… for us, the group took the place of family in our lives. People can hug me when I'm down and I feel 20 feet tall when I leave group."

The group and the facilitator taught Nancy that she couldn't just make the anger go away, but that there were other ways to handle it so that no one would get hurt. One of the most valuable things Nancy's facilitator ever said to her was "A loving mother keeps her child safe." To Nancy, this meant that she could be a loving mother and still know that there were times when it was safer for her children not to be in the same room with her. The group also developed a list of good things to say to kids, and Nancy posted it on her refrigerator so she could remember it in times of stress. Nancy talked with the group about taking care of herself, too, by taking separate, personal time and doing nice things for herself, like taking baths.

Later, despite many changes in the group over the years, Nancy was still thrilled to be a part of PHP. "I really did hate my kids for a long time. That anger … the rage that you feel…is really scary. There's just no other place (except PHP) where you could talk about that. I do still get angry, but I handle it better now. It's nice to be able to pass on some of the good stuff that I've learned to new parents in the group. To help people feel okay with the terrible feelings and get through them, that is the best thing I can do in this life."

(This story was written several years ago. Nancy's three older sons are now teenagers, and she has a younger daughter. She also has taken on a great many organizational leadership roles within PHP as a result of her membership in a group.)
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